I’m not really okay.

Long time no see!

Funny cos I have a draft post written that I did on 1st March. I can’t publish things unless I feel in the zone – y’know? I haven’t posted since November last year which is quite bad of me! But here we are. March 2020. I’d give a brief update on my life but a hell of a lot has happened since I last wrote on here.  I say ‘brief’ it’s probs gonna be a long one – but hey we are all in isolation so if you fancy a read then what else you gonna do?

I think the main thing that is top news at the moment is the coronavirus. Now I don’t really like discussing topics like this, not because I don’t care but because I like to keep my thoughts, opinions and feelings to myself. BUT this is my mental health blog and I guess I feel okay(ish) to admit that all of this is affecting my mental health. Quite badly.

Firstly, those of you with OCD will know (and others may too!) that whenever there is something that is ‘put out there’ so to speak, it feeds our OCD so that our stress levels rise and therefore the intrusive thoughts are worse and the compulsions increase. When all this Covid19 started I blocked it out, didn’t want to know and was sick of hearing about it. In fact I acted like I used to when I was a child and I’d freak out at the news, I would have to turn it off or when I was at school and we’d be told about the war in an assembly and I would start crying. Looking back these things contributed to feeding my OCD and it’s only now that I realise that.

The gym is my calming place, a place where I can zone out from the world and always feel ten times better afterwards. So it came to my surprise when midway during a gym class I just wanted to burst into tears and go home, I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to pretend I was happy. I must have been about 10 minutes in? I know I had done 3 tracks as track 3 is one of my favourites but it still didn’t pick me up. Instead I found myself using my gym towel to block my tears from escaping. I did consider sitting out through the entire thing, but that would have been absolute torture. So I messaged the one person who has always got my back, provides so much love and knows exactly what to say – my mum. I left the class early which was horrible as I had to walk past people to get out. I pretty much sprinted out the place and when heading to my car the tears just flowed. I was beside myself. Mentally exhausted and drained.

It is hard fighting with yourself – because the only person to back your corner is yourself. Though you can’t do that because you are constantly at war. With your mind.

I met up with some mega fab friends who I have gotten to know well from the gym on the Saturday. I didn’t want to go, I was trying to find any reason I could to stay at home. I’m proud of myself for actually going though, hanging with proper friends who care and can make you smile. Means a lot. But I still wasn’t okay.

Now I want to show you something. Here is a couple of photos that was taken on that night.

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I have specifically chosen these photos because looking at me you probably wouldn’t think that the day or two before was spent upset. Feeling like I don’t know who I am, I am fighting a battle I cannot win. OCD is winning. I can’t deny that.

I’m sick to death of being told “Oh well, at the end of the day it’s down to you to carry out the exposure therapies and gain control.” I know that. I’m not stupid. It feels like a matter of life or death and I choose life every time but then why do I feel like I am not living?

I’m not just Nikita. I am Nikita with OCD. I hate that. HATE it. How can I expect anybody to know me when I don’t even know me? I couldn’t tell you what I am like solely just me because I don’t know. It’s always been me and OCD. In my head 24/7. You see it really frustrates me when people throw the term about flippantly without even thinking of the realness of it. People joke all the damn time about “yes i’m being OCD today” “proper spring cleaned everywhere got my OCD on”. There’s loads of comments I’ve heard. Must be so nice to throw those comments about when you don’t even have the true effect on what OCD actually is and what it does to you.

The coronavirus has made all this worse, for starters no it’s not the cleaning aspect for me. I’m hygienic and clean like you should be. It’s the intrusive thoughts that are nagging me constantly, I have to do this or X will happen. Logically I know it won’t. The best way I can describe it is if someone said to you run up and down the stairs or your child will die. You know logically that it is ridiculous….. but would you wanna take that chance JUST INCASE?

To all those people who throw the OCD term around like it’s funny to use, it’s a joke, it’s a quirk. Next time please think of people like me who are physically and emotionally exhausted from having to do rituals, battling with thoughts, wasting precious minutes of our lives because ‘what if’. Twenty. Four. Seven.

I was doing really well with coming down the stairs once, felt good. Scary but good. Then all went belly up because I did it and something bad happened and I believed it was my fault. My MH worker told me the best way to fight back was to come down the stairs once. Let the OCD know it’s not winning, but I couldn’t. She tells me “So the OCD wins then” yeah. Yes it does. Because I am tired. I cannot cope with it. It’s easier to give in and do what it wants, torment myself with doing things I don’t want to do. So yeah, it wins and I felt bloody awful being told that. Like i’ve done wrong to myself. So now with all this coronavirus stuff my OCD is on a high, I’ve noticed old compulsions trying to creep back in such as tapping a spoon on a cup. It’s weighing me down and being in isolation I am stuck with it. I can’t even see my MH worker.

All I can imagine is this big ball of OCD is laughing because not only is it controlling me, it’s got a right hold over me and I cannot escape it. I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to be free? Living life without intrusive thoughts that I have to act upon. I wonder how a normal day would feel to live because sadly, I don’t know.

So to cut an insanely long story into a few words – no, i’m not okay.

Be kind to people who look fine, be kind to people who don’t look fine. Just be kind.
I’m hoping that after a few days in lockdown I will have calmed my mind a bit to think more rationally. We will see.

Talking is important. So if you wanna talk and you’ve got my social media, number whatever – message me.

Much love x

4 thoughts on “I’m not really okay.

  1. Kaaaren says:

    I cannot even imagine how hard all this must be for you hun. It is hard for us all right now, but especially people with your condition. I am sending lots of hugs to you and Mum, who I know is your main support. I am always at the end of the phone hunni if you need a chat. Love you loads, massive hugs x x x

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