Long time no see blog! I haven’t really wrote much on here for a good while, despite having a lot to say and want to talk about. I guess in a strange way I felt somewhat…. silenced? Perhaps that isn’t the right word to use – but in a weird way I have felt like I’ve been unable to write my thoughts.

Well. Not no more.

You see this is MY blog, MY go to, MY safe space to write pretty much whatever I want and however I am feeling and as it has been so good for me in the past, I’m gonna continue to do so. I never write in this blog with the intentions of anyone reading it, it is more for me to get things out of my mind and if someone does read it and it helps them in anyway – then that is a bonus. That being said I am quite happy just nattering away to myself if nobody was to read this. I ain’t gonna force anyone to read it, that choice is yours.

Things have been tough lately, and have been for quite some time. For numerous reasons unfortunately. I wish it was just one reason and I could focus on that and then work with it – but it’s many things and that has admittedly blagged my head a bit! (Or a lot if I am to be totally honest).

I have finally got a new therapist though, and touch wood things are going pretty good with her. I feel that she actually listens, she understands and more importantly she is helping. So far so good. The whole point of this therapy I am doing is to ‘bring things to the session’ each time and that being things that are currently happening in life. Which has amused me because I don’t think there has a been a single time something hasn’t happened, meaning the poor woman has had to listen to A LOT. That’s good I guess though. Means I can work on things head on.

Her and K have been fab during this time. So much so that I have let them know everything. Since the whole point of this therapy in particular is to work on myself I made that choice just to be open and honest and discuss with them how I react to things, how my thoughts and feelings affect me, how I respond to things whether it be physical responses or symptom responses. Basically all my cards are out on the table and they know it all, the good and the bad. I allow for them to tell me when I have been unreasonable, acted in a way I shouldn’t have and so on. But I’m really pleased because K especially is the most brutally honest worker I could have got, she would tell me no doubt about it if I had done anything wrong, if something I did wasn’t right or if maybe I should think about things more rationally etc. and I am pleased because she said the way I have handled a lot lately has been tip top. Reassuring me when I have told her that I have been up so late at night analysing things, questioning myself about stuff, basically beating myself to the ground – that I don’t need to do that, because I’m doing good.

Mentalising.

That’s what I have been working so hard on, having the ability to think about thinking. It’s a long process and by hell it’s an eye opener. Beforehand I was guilty for being rash, jumping to conclusions and going all in head first without a second thought. Because I didn’t mentalise. It has been noted in my progress that I am mentalising lots, doing really well at it too. It is kinda ugly though, because by mentalising it means I am not just mentalising my own actions/thoughts etc – the point of the process is you are to mentalise others too. That bit is ugly because you end up noticing things about others you probably wish you were still naive to. But hey! No therapy is easy is it? The main thing I take from it is, I’m choosing to work hard on myself. I don’t ever really compliment myself but heck that is to be admired surely?

Acknowledging when I am wrong, when I am right. Telling myself I am handling things good because I really didn’t think I was doing. Surely two professionals in particular wouldn’t tell me I was doing good in situations if that wasn’t true.

It’s really, really important to talk about this stuff, have proper conversations with folk and listen as well as be heard. I know myself never to dismiss anyone else’s thoughts and feelings – so why should I let mine be dismissed so easily? That isn’t fair. Each and every single person has a valid reason to be heard. If not, then why not?

I need to believe in myself more really, and start to take the lead in controlling myself and not letting anyone else or any thing try control me.

I’ve spent too long being a puppet on strings, it’s time for me to be the puppet master on myself now, for myself.