Lockdown: Day six hundred and 90 million.

I’ll tell you one thing I can confidently say I’m good at and that is hiding how I feel. Look at Keets having a jolly time, she’s looking well. But looks can be deceiving as we know. Am I well? I could be, I could be feeling good. Truth is you’ll never know. Why? Because I’m that good at hiding it I fool myself.

I know majority of us are all in the same boat here but I’m finding this really hard. There’s no escape and my thoughts follow me into every single room of the house. They’re like the invisible clutter. Slowly filling up the rooms but drowning me at a rapid pace.

I like writing my blog on my laptop, there’s just something more about actually tapping away at the keyboard. Yet I’m currently writing this on my phone in bed, tears filling my eyes with the odd few escaping.

I’m just so confused and so overwhelmed at my own mind, more so than usual and let me tell you that in itself is a lot on a daily basis anyway! I’m trying to keep busy, I’m trying to keep occupied and I’m trying to remain positive. But things slip and it either goes two ways for me I’m either withdrawn or I’m angry. I’m annoyed with myself and the situations surrounding me. I’m annoyed that I’m being controlled by something other than OCD. Which makes me question do I have any control over my life at this moment in time? Probably not.

Things are pointless and put on hold for me, I’m not talking about the virus I’m talking about what the virus is causing for me. I want to do everything but I don’t want to do anything. I can lay awake at 4am being consumed by thousands of thoughts and questions whizzing round my mind. Wondering serious things and ridiculous things. Wondering if I’ll know how to act in the ‘real’ world after this, will I be frightened, will I contract the virus and I’m a carrier who spreads it onto people and they die because I didn’t realise, will I die, will those I love die. I could go on….

The other day I received a random letter from the NHS which had inside something called a “isolation distraction pack”. Tips and tricks to help you mentally know how to handle being isolated and how to distract yourself in a good way. Sounds good doesn’t it? Wonder why they felt that I would need this distraction and help NOW and not just over 7 weeks ago? What do they think I’ve been doing for 7 weeks? My entire heart appreciates all the work key workers are doing, saving lives and just putting themselves out there.

Then you hear the words “mental health is important, especially now more than ever” “it’s important to talk” etc etc. Yet the support I had before has just stopped. I fully understand why things have stopped as well. I don’t dispute that! BUT let me explain it to you with an example;

You’re falling down an insanely high mountain and the only thing stopping you from the grim reaper is a rope you’re holding onto. Your ‘support’ is on top of the mountain holding onto the other end of the rope keeping you safe. You with me so far? Good. Time goes on and you feel that the ‘support’ is helping you and you’re on the road to recovery, slowly being pulled back to safety. The support can’t pull you back to safety quick, it’s a slow process but you are aware of that and accept it because you know at the end of it you’re going to be okay. You’re then at the halfway point – things are going well, the rope is still intact and the support is hydrated, fit, strong and helpful in getting you back to the top. You can do this! Then suddenly the weather turns and you’re faced with not knowing what to do, the support that is holding onto the rope can’t stay because the weather is too bad, you’re still too far down for the support to explain to you the situation. So before they leave, the support ties the rope onto an unsteady boulder in the hope that once the weather dies down the rope will still be attached and you’ll still be in the exact same place that you was before. Except due to the weather, lack of support and the fact it is just you and your thoughts attached to a rope that could possibly break any minute – no you’re not okay and you’re not going to be in the same place when and if they return.

Very long example, but that’s me right now. That’s truly how I feel.

I’m holding onto the rope.

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