Self-destructing

Not the kind of first post of the year I had in mind! But all the same I guess it’s better to get it out and on here so that I can shut it down and it is off my chest.

Things have been difficult recently, the pandemic hasn’t helped as I am sure it won’t have helped many people! I keep having spurs of pure joy and spurs of pure hatred towards myself. It’s not a nice balance and quite frankly I’m starting to really get sick of it now.

I’ve been having CAT therapy now for a while, it started via zoom and then moved onto face to face. For those who don’t know CAT is Cognitive Analytical Therapy (google it if you want to know more!). I had high hopes, when I say high hopes I mean reach for the cloud high hopes. I was excited, I was ready and I was willing. As the sessions went on it was then dropped on me that it was a ‘limited amount of sessions’ therapy, which I have had before and whilst it sucks that is just the way it is. What bothered me moreso was the fact why was this not mentioned at the start? I was given that false hope of several promises as to what this therapy would do for me, and that it was there with no set ending time in sight. How wrong that was. From that point on I took a turn, a wobble we will call it. My mind constantly screaming at me that I am ‘unfixable’ anything that was good or going good it was waiting for me to ruin and mess up on. Obviously I didn’t want to go into this self destruct mode, but that is what has happened because the only thing I seem to really do well at is self destructing.

Honestly if it was an exam I’d ace it no problems, hell I would probably even win awards for best self destruct. I can’t tell you why I do it either as I’m still learning the process of that. All I do know is that I am good at it, I can admit I am good at it and punishing myself and pushing others away I just excel at because in my ‘self destruct’ mode that is all I feel I deserve at that time during this. Others don’t get me, I sometimes wonder why people stick around because I will push and push. Then when I finally get my aim goal of totally pushing people out and destroying myself…….. I am so upset and sad by it??????? How on earth does that make sense. Like i’ve full on bossed my goal, i’ve succeeded in destroying myself and those around me but then that upsets me? Is your mind baffled by it cos mine sure as hell is!

Mental health is so mind boggling and the thing I find the most soul destroying is knowing that ultimately it is you. Your mind. Your behaviour. Your thoughts.

Someone once asked me “When your OCD gives you intrusive thoughts what does it sound like? What is the voice like?” It was something I had never really thought of before but upon thinking about it – there was no voice as it was mine. That was and still is so hard to take. I always describe myself as me AND ocd. Like it’s my partner in crime or something. I remember talking with my therapist and I said it was funny because I tend to push people away, I get annoyed if they try be nice as I feel I don’t deserve it and although I will be upset when they finally get sick of me, my aim is to make them leave but really I don’t in the slightest want them to leave. Yet the relationship I have with OCD is ironically SO different. I admitted that the relationship I have with OCD I really WANT to leave, I hate it with such a passion yet I do everything in my power to please it and make it happy? WHY. Why is this the case? It is so bloody bizarre.

The longest relationship I have ever had has been approx 20 years. 20 years of having someone with you, telling you what to do, trying to keep them happy. 20 years of being controlled by them. I’m sure many who know that I am 27 years old will be like thinking how weird starting a relationship at age 7 and remaining in that relationship all this time later. Like ooo what is my secret? There is no secret.

My longest relationship of 20 years has been with OCD.
and I hate it.

I want to destroy that relationship with OCD. I am exhausted from destroying myself so much and it’s overwhelmingly distressing to push those close to me away because I want them to dislike me because I’m in that destructive mode of not liking myself.

I’m not entirely sure how much more of it I can cope with, surely there is some hope somewhere?

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