Have you ever felt angry at things that cannot be solved or answered? I am angry right now. Angry at questions that I know I won’t ever get the answer for. Angry at the destructive explosion that caused a lot of loss. Angry at things I have recently learnt that could have made life that little bit more easier had I known it at the time. Angry at my OCD.

I think that is why the past few days I have been feeling slightly unsettled. I’ve been on autopilot and whilst some things are slightly calming down it has allowed me time to think more and process stuff. It also explains why my OCD has heightened. Not that I had it under control because haha, wouldn’t that be nice?

3 more times I have had the nightly hallucinations again too. I haven’t had these for a while now and I can’t help but wonder if it is because my mind has started to drown in all the stress, worry and intrusive thoughts.

I always imagine the inside of my head to be like an office scene, lots of work happening in different sections and stuff but then more often than not these little gremlins run in and cause chaos. They start moving files around, and important things to do they hide somewhere in the mess so that in reality I don’t remember stuff and no matter how hard I try they just won’t leave and continue to be disruptive.

A newish type thing that has happened recently is flashbacks. I only really started to get flashbacks quite badly when we lost Max. Then it calmed but now it is back again and I keep replaying a certain scene from November last year. I over analyse it. I question it. I’m not entirely sure why it is even –that– scene. But it is there and it stops me in my tracks, whatever I am doing and it is like I get teleported back to that day except I am watching myself from the outside in.

I am a fun loving, happy gal. I certainly like to portray that too because that is me. Except sometimes it is difficult, really difficult. Life has thrown some major curveballs recently, some curveballs I really did not wish to be a part of yet somehow ended up with me doing a lot. It might seem trivial to some but to me it is only now that it has started to affect me some of the things I have had to do that I really didn’t want to.

I don’t think sometimes that people realise that I already spend half my life doing things that I don’t want to do – and that is called OCD. So imagine adding stuff to it that isn’t OCD but I gotta do it anyway. This stuff recently is gonna sit with me for a long time. I hope it doesn’t stay because I’m not sure I can handle that. Which is why I need to do what I didn’t do years ago and that is talk. Talking is SO important.

Trust me I learnt that the hard way.

It is hard though to break that cycle, when I have been more used to just holding things in – how do you suddenly then learn to just be more open in how you are feeling? I think for me I fear that if I physically speak about how I am feeling it makes it more real and I don’t want it to be real – does that make sense?

So I guess it is time for me to be brave again…. and if I am going to put my brave big gal pants on then just know that whatever you might be afraid of whether that be sharing how you are feeling or showing some emotions then I have every faith you can be brave too.

We got this x