Sadly writing isn’t on the wall and this ain’t no tribute to Stevie Wonder either. In fact it is something a little more hard hitting than just that.

I’ve had my fair share of therapy in my time – more bad than good sadly but sometimes that is the way how it goes. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t gel with your therapist not everyone does but once you get someone you click with then you can’t deny it does feel like there is hope! My journey hasn’t been the easiest cos I’m quite a complex case, I get that and I understand it and I am honestly trying my best with a lot of things.

So let me start by telling you that I experienced my first group therapy a couple of years back and I was always adamant that I DID NOT want to ever do group therapy. One to one was the way for me and no way was I ever going to be part of a group. Somehow I ended up doing a group therapy and I didn’t particularly want to open up in front of a group of people I didn’t know but I can 100% say it was one of the best therapies I have done with amazing people too. I really learnt a lot about myself and being in a group meant that we could give each other feedback and such – it truly was a good learning lesson. We got told that there was chance to have a year long therapy in another group after this was completed but you needed to “qualify” for the next part. Which really it is bad to label it like that but I was up for it regardless!

Luckily I “qualified” (I really hate that term when it comes to therapy because everyone should be entitled to it no matter what). I was really excited to start the next part of this therapy as I felt the first one was so useful and helpful. After waiting for just over a year I got my letter to travel an hour away for my first appointment. When the day came I travelled through, sat in the waiting room which had no windows, no pictures on the wall and was the dullest grey shade that ever existed. You’d think that they’d try brighten the waiting room up at least wouldn’t you? Nothing like making you feel more depressed than a depressive room. Anyway, it was my turn and I headed upstairs to be met by a pleasant lady everything seemed to be going so well until she started off by saying “I’m sorry but unfortunately you won’t be able to do this therapy.”

Sorry, what?

Of course, I asked why and she told me that one of the therapy group facilitators knew me, was in my social circle and she couldn’t tell me who. Now correct me if I am wrong but wouldn’t it have been far better to have let me know this BEFORE I travelled through? Instead of getting me to travel through just to be told actually no you can’t have this. I’ll write another post more on this later as this wasn’t my intention for this blog post in particular but as you can see this is a bit of background as to what is to come. Side note: the facilitator didn’t actually know me, wasn’t in my social circle and was far from any sort of ‘conflict of interest’ that there could possibly be.

Fast forward briefly past the mishaps and bumps in the road to me now having this second round of therapy but just one on one and not continued into a group. Never thought I would say it but I was gutted that it wasn’t in the group and so I told myself it is better than nothing. Due to the errors on their part they said I could do weekly one on ones with the lady in charge and who has been dealing with the errors. Fair enough. In that time we did get off on the wrong foot because I was angry from previous errors, and she just made matters worse but after we met for the first time we decided to start a clean slate and focus on our one to one and the therapy which suited me just fine, I was ready for it.

Now don’t get me wrong she has done and said a few things that I have questioned but I have just pushed it aside to give her benefit of the doubt. We are still getting to know one another so I have just decided that maybe this is her and me getting comfortable with each other – even though some things I have vented to my MH worker about because it has riled me – I still continued to let it slide.

BUT THEN TODAY HAPPENED.

Things are going well in our session and she asks me about something and how I ease the anxieties so I tell her about this particular OCD ritual that I do and how it can heighten and become worse depending on my stress levels. I proceed to give her an example and as I am explaining my compulsion that follows from the intrusive thought she responds with “Oh so it’s a superstition?” .

This might sound familiar but…. sorry what?!

Genuinely couldn’t believe those words came out of her mouth. I told her it concerns me that surely mental health professionals should or at least would know the difference between OCD compulsions and superstitions? She then goes on to say that she didn’t ask that and I had to actually say “you literally asked me if it was a superstition”. This isn’t the first time she has backtracked on something she has said, but at least the other times I just put aside but this one really got me. My faith rapidly drained from me at that point when she said that because what hope is there if someone even thinks it is acceptable to ask that?

Even if she didn’t know the difference surely there is a right way to go around sensitively asking someone – right??? Am I losing my mind here or?! Sometimes it certainly feels like it….