This is something I never thought I would have to write, but somethings are left unsaid and I really wish that wasn’t the case. So this is my post to you, Ryan.

I can hear you now actually, laughing because a whole post is dedicated to you. You’d be thinking you were the bees knees for that haha. I just wish it wasn’t under these circumstances. I met you over ten years ago, I was a barmaid and you and your family were owners at the caravan park. Once seen never forgotten you. You know some people you just gravitate towards? You guys were one of my fave customers. I knew whenever you and your family were in, it just made my shift more happier. I guess in a weird sort of way we kind of grew up together? But in the sense of growing up as adults? That being said, did we really haha!

It was mainly your step-dad and you that came to the bar, but your mum did sometimes too (in fact I used to let her push in front of others to get served but shh…) I don’t think I ever once saw you at that bar without a smile on your face. That cheeky grin everyone who knew you can picture now when reading that. I have far too many memories to write them all out, but I do want to share a few of my favourites.

I remember one of the first things you talked to me about was…. Star Wars. Bloody Star Wars! You was showing me some of your tattoos that were Star Wars related and when I said “So what’s the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek?” I genuinely felt you was going to disown me. I remember one time you came to the bar and I asked where your girlfriend was as you brought her last time – you said you guys had split but then quickly went on to show me this new Star Wars tattoo you got. It was some weird creature type thing and you just bluntly went “Yeah it’s my ex”. We just laughed. No bad situation was ever a downer for you, you made light of a lot. Always joking around.

The times I would finish work before clean down (which let’s face it was rare!) and you’d hound me to stay and have a drink with you and your family but I had to drive home and was usually knackered. Anyone who knows you knew how annoying you could be. So it wasn’t just a “you staying for a drink?” it was a constant “go onnnnnnn”, “come watch karaoke!”, “you can have a lemonade”, “I’ll take your car keys”, “you look thirsty…. why don’t you just stay for a drink” and so on and so on… by god you were irritating. But that is why we all loved you. Sometimes I would be unlucky enough to not only finish work on the bar I was usually in but then be made to go work til close in the ‘late’ bar that night. I hated that, but you didn’t because it meant you could stay chatting for longer. Which to be honest Ryan, that made working til even later better.

The chats I would have with you and your family were ones I will carry in my heart forever. As annoying as you could be you had a heart of gold. I remember if I finished early hours you’d offer to walk me to my car. You didn’t fear anything, you just wanted the best for others.

After I left working there, we kept in touch with plans for you to come visit – we’d update each other on our lives, relationships, family, work, mental health and so much more. Sometimes we’d go a few months without speaking, not for any reason other than we were both just busy with our lives. But I knew as soon as we struck up a convo again it was like no time had passed at all.

You became a dad! I was so incredibly happy for you, and it was lovely watching your babies grow with you. Nobody can ever doubt the fact you doted on your kids, even when relationships ended you were ALWAYS there for your kids no matter what. It was admirable how much you was there for your kids, because not everyone has that when relationships end. They meant the world to you. I still have a video of you getting A to help you in the garden, and praising her constantly for what a good job she was doing despite the fact she was just patting the ground you made her feel like she had an impact on helping you in the garden. Though thinking about it now…. what was YOU doing gardening?! 😂

Sometimes you wouldn’t just talk about work you’d send me photos of random stuff like some equipment and expect me to know what it was. Or you’d send photos of a sandwich you made because you was proud of it 😂 I had to acknowledge them though because if I didn’t it’d be “sup with you!?” hahaha. Always wanted the praise didn’t you? You’ve no idea how much I wish my phone would buzz and it would be a stupid photo of something so irrelevant from you.

I attended one of my friends wedding and knew nobody there but the bride. So you became my plus one. I might not have known anyone really at the wedding, but by heck you made sure everyone knew who you were afterwards! You talked to people there like you had known them for years, you even introduced me to some of them like they were your mates haha. I found you outside having a vape and when I asked what it tasted like you gave me a massive lecture on how I am not to use one. I just burst out laughing, because I had no intention on ever using one I just wanted to know why people like them so much and do they really taste like how they smell. Before the wedding I forgot to pack some tights so dragged you to the shop so I could get some. It was then I knew I never wanted to go shopping with you ever again 😂 my god you brought a whole new level to the word “annoying”. One minute I’d be chatting away, the next you was nowhere to be seen only to find you chatting to some random person or you had found something cool to look at. Sometimes I think you did stuff like that a bit too much purposely to just wind me up. But you knew I accepted you for who you were, I wouldn’t have changed you and the only thing I wish I could change now was that you are still here. Granted, I wouldn’t wanna go shopping with you haha, but to even have you here would be all I could ask.

Whenever we’d be driving somewhere why did you always feel the need to turn the VOLUME RIGHT UP!?!?!!! I will never forget one time we were at some traffic lights on a roundabout, we were in the middle lane, and what did you do? You turned up the volume, wound your window down and started singing at the top of your voice. Even if you didn’t know all the words too 😂 that was the best bit hahaha. A car full of young lads in one of the lanes next to us was looking and you went “WHAT THEY LOOKING AT” mate…. you haha.

We’d once gone for breakfast somewhere and you got talking to some random woman (for a change 😂) and she had a baby with her. You went “I’ve got kids too!” so proud you were. You then asked her “What is he called?” and she politely told you that the baby was actually a girl. I can’t remember what the baby was called now, but you were like “oh f**k sorry, oh god I swore, sorry baby anyway he is very cute”. RYAN 🤦‍♀️ 💀 not only could the baby not understand your foul mouth hahaha but you tried to dig yourself out of a hole really badly and still called the baby a boy. 😂 Thankfully due to your charming nature, the woman wasn’t in the least bit fazed. Me on the other hand? I was practically climbing into the hole too out of embarrassment hahaha.

I am sat typing this at the shop and I had my music on shuffle it’s been playing all-sorts all day. But weirdly, when I decided to start adding to this post – the song we loved has just come on. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. No. No tears. It actually gave me the biggest smile. (Thankfully the volume didn’t shoot right up too 😂).

One post about you isn’t enough for all I could say, and besides there’s too many memories and some of them I wanna be selfish and keep just for myself. Just know that you brought more laughter into my life and true friendship. Not to mention the scare factor when we both saw that floating woman in white and you screamed which made me scream! Then she just vanished and we both ran like mad to get back. Although you didn’t make sure I was left behind or anything you was just in a ‘save yourself’ mood 😂 but then out of breath running we stopped and just absolutely cracked up laughing.

I will never forget you. You truly were one of a kind and I just wish you knew how loved you were. There is so much I wish could have been different. I wish I text you on that day. I wish you had text me. I wish you had made a different decision. But more importantly, I wish and hope that you have now found your peace.

I’m still in touch with your family, and I reach out every so often to check in with them. It’s hard cos I don’t want to put pressure on them to reply. I need to be more like you and just be more annoying with it haha.

I started this post not long after you left, but it was hard to keep coming back to. I’d add a little bit here and there – but it feels kinda fitting to give you a big message on your birthday, just like before.

So happy birthday up there, I hope you’re having an absolute blast.
I’ll love you always mate. x