Where do I even begin with this? Firstly let me explain a little about this blog. I started this blog back in 2013. A time when nobody knew about my OCD but I had this little space to be able to write about it and get all my feelings and thoughts out and the best part was…. nobody knew it was me. Nikita.
I had high hopes that this blog would gain more than a couple of posts and I would be able to interact with fellow OCD sufferers and also be able to help myself in the process and other people. This did not happen.
Writing this now is actually incredibly hard because for 4 years I have viewed this blog as “bad luck” and that the thought of even publishing again on it I believe is going to make terrible things happen because I have “resurrected” it. My last post on here was 14th February 2013, a date that will always remain incredibly clear in my mind. I wrote about my bedtime rituals and I remember being sat in my old house on the sofa typing it all out before I went to bed. I was really happy at getting it off my chest and it made me think quite deeply about my night time routine. That night after I finished writing the blog post I headed on up to bed, proud of myself for the post but also exhausted at the thought of what I had to do before I could actually settle down. Giving in to the OCD bully that has bothered me for most of my life I did most of my rituals and got to the part of having to see the time on my phone as an even number before I could actually go to sleep. Thinking about my post I had just written and also feeling quite up for a challenge I decided NO. No I am not going to give in, the time is on an odd number and I am going to go to sleep on that. I mean, what’s the worse that could happen?
The next morning, February 15th 2013, I was woken up to something most people would only ever experience in a film. It was tragic, it was devastating, it was confusing. I am not going to go into what exactly happened because it is something I do not wish to talk about and it is something I struggle with talking about to those who do know anyway. To put it bluntly our whole lives had been turned upside down, chewed up and spat back out to deal with everything. My world was not going to be the same ever again.
Do you know what my first thought was? I caused this. I slept on an odd number. This is my fault.
From then on my OCD has become horrifically worse I have never known it so bad and I have no control over it whatsoever.
I abandoned this blog because I blamed it for ever making me feel I could challenge the OCD.
4 years have passed since this and I have thought many times about returning to it to continue my journey of the high hopes I had. Each time I have visited the blog, read the couple of posts and thought no I just can’t and it reminds me of that terrible time.
After having CBT recently the therapist I saw was an absolute angel, she has really helped me understand and accept my OCD and that I should not be ashamed as I can get through it. She helped me talk about it out loud and I feel this has really helped me.
So here I am, back on this “bad luck blog” starting a fresh. It may be called “the girl with ocd” but i’m pretty much all out there now on who I am. No more anonymous me. I’m not going to lie the moment I hit publish I will be worrying on what might happen, but I know I can deal with it and in the long run I will feel like just from doing this one post I can be more powerful than the OCD. That in itself is a bonus.
I am Nikita, I have OCD and this is my journey on living with it – but more importantly squashing the bully on my shoulder throughout this process. I can do it!
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