Let’s start this post off with I am one of those people that tend to bottle things up that either upset me or make me annoyed and I stew on it for ages making me become snappy with those close to me, my OCD tends to become worse and everything seems so stressful.
One day I will learn that to write things down like on a blog for example, it does actually make me feel like all what I have been stewing does not get to fester inside me for long enough to affect me, because I have been able to get out how I am feeling through this.
So let me start with today. I won’t go into too much detail but around the end of August my doctor told me something which I wasn’t quite expecting to do with some blood test results etc. and it meant that I would have to have a scan to rule things out blah blah. All I will say is that it was nothing majorly serious but to someone who lives life worrying constantly like myself I couldn’t help but think of all the serious things it could be. What if she was wrong? What if they find something else on the scan? That sorta thing. This resulted in my OCD becoming more heightened. I need to do this because if I don’t my scan will come back with the worst news. You get my point.
The downside was I had to wait up to 8 weeks for this scan which ended up being the end of October. So you can imagine it wasn’t the best 8 weeks of my life. Anyway, all was done and dusted and then I had to wait for the results which my doctor told me to go back and see her for. My doctor surgery is incredibly ridiculous in appointments and I could not get to see her until today. 18th December. It was pointless ringing for a cancellation appointment in between as she was on holiday so again I was back to the waiting game. I tried to convince myself that the results won’t be anything serious because surely they’d have gotten in touch with me before so within this time of worrying and telling myself this statement to calm myself I had further blood tests and also a new issue had appeared only recently.
Nobody knows your body as well as yourself and so this new problem was the kind of problem you see adverts about warning you and telling you to seek a doctors help immediately to prevent this that and the other. Maybe I take far too much notice of these posters and adverts? Moreso than most people because like I said before – I worry constantly. So I thought I would mention this in my appointment today as well and to also ease my mind.
So I spend my morning panicking, snappy and my rituals on a high because of what the outcome may be and I end up being FOUR minutes late to my appointment.
We have a digital check in system that allows you so much time and if you go past that time it will not check you in and you have to go to the reception desk. Now because part of my OCD involves me screen-shotting my phone and checking numbers I know for a fact I was JUST 4 minutes late. My appointment was at 8:40 and I arrived at 8:44. So I check in the digital system which checks me in perfectly fine and tells me that I am on time so i’ve not missed my slot etc. Great. Perfect. I then get called to the reception desk a few moments after to be spoken to like I am an 8 year old child that has turned up late for class and she said “Since you are late the doctor has just seen you have checked in, she has already been out and called your name before you got here and she is able to fit you in but because you was late obviously those that turned up ON TIME will have more priority over you so you will have to wait a bit longer.” I didn’t have it in me to tell her I was just four minutes late and the digital system still checked me in because I wasn’t THAT late and that she shouldn’t speak to me like i’m an imbecile. So I just said okay and sat down and waited.
9:48 I got called in. Over an HOUR later. Within this hour she hadn’t called many people in and after they left she spent a while with nobody in to see her, maybe she was doing telephone appointments? I don’t know but she wasn’t what I would class “very busy” as she wasn’t getting people in and out none stop. But hey ho. I put it down to me just working myself up more.
So I go in to see her and I tell her I am there to find out my results. She tells me that my blood test results tell her one thing and my scan tells her the opposite so in her words “I don’t really know what else I can do for you”. I mean…. make of that what you will. So she is referring me to somewhere else as she doesn’t know. Okay fine.
So then as she was about to hurry me along and get me out of the room (I had not been in there long) I started to say that there was also another issue I have noticed that is worrying me. I could tell by the look on her face she wasn’t exactly thrilled that I had brought an issue up.
I mean how bad of a person am I for having the courage to mention and open up about a problem to my doctor?! I don’t like the doctors, who does? So if I can avoid going I will. I use Doctor Google (which I don’t recommend because that does not help me whatsoever and in some ways makes my panicking worse). So I bring up a problem that I’ve seen you should bring up immediately if you happen to notice this. Sorry for taking your time to worry about my health doctor.
She then replies after knowing what this problem was “Well because you was late I don’t have time to sort this now so you’ll have to book another appointment to see me.” Another appointment which would take me into February.
So I cried. I just burst into tears because my own doctor who I should be able to confide in and trust just basically told me to go away.
Then because I am upset she says to me “Well you should have told me this in the first place why didn’t you?!” WELL Doctor because I think after waiting several months for my scan results I was clearly wanting to know whether or not they are okay being the worrying mess I am which she knows about, she knows all about my OCD etc. I didn’t purposely choose for my body to throw more worry at me within these many months of waiting and make me ask for reasurrance from…. a doctor.
So clearly it seems fair to make me wait months on end, months full of me worrying and yet because I make her wait four minutes she treats me like this.
She was completely uninterested and didn’t even acknowledge anything about what I had told her.
Luckily I managed to see a lovely advanced nurse practitioner who was so calming and kind to me I wanted to give him a hug!
So if ever you notice your body isn’t right and you follow the rules for the adverts you see which tell you to see a doctor immediately. Do follow it and don’t let them fob you off.
No matter who you are your doctor should be there to listen and put you at ease. Yes I was four minutes late but in theory they just acted awkward about it instead of doing what they normally do.
Now that is off my chest I feel I can do a huge sigh of relief for getting my words out there. I will be playing the waiting game again but at least this mishap does not get chance to fester along with the rest of my worry.