Some of you may already know but this time last year I went for one of the hardest and biggest interviews I will ever probably have in my life.
Yep that is right, I thought I would try show Lord Sugar what I can do and try my hand at BBC’s The Apprentice. Unfortunately I didn’t make the actual television part but I did just miss out on the second to last stage!
Now most people would say to me things like “Oh gosh, I bet you was so nervous for the interview!” and things like “Did you panic because I would have been!?”.
I guess for most people the scariest and nerve wracking part would be the interview, having to face a panel of people and sell yourself. Wanna know what I found the most scariest and nerve wracking? Actually getting there.
I had to travel to London and going by car is approximately around 4/5 hours. Which for me and my mind is complete hell to deal with. Having OCD can ruin a lot for me, it can make the most simple and exciting things seem so stressful and exhausting and what for really? To stop bad things from happening.
Several times I backed out because of these particular thoughts;
* We are going to have a car crash and I will die
* There will be a terrorist attack
* Something will happen before I even get there e.g my train to work will come off the tracks into the sea and I will be trapped and drown
* If we get the tube I will fall/get pushed onto the tracks and die
I had to really reason with myself and think is it actually worth even going for this because I had a big amount of percent of me that believed one of these things would happen. The little bully guy on my shoulder drowned me in these thoughts. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and my rituals became a lot more heightened. If I really wanted to go for this it meant I had to go all out to please him or else I would have to face the consequences.
So there would be days that I would get dressed and then undress and dress again. When I say that I actually mean my clothes would have to come off completely and have zero contact with my skin until I could put them back on. I couldn’t cheat the bully by just pulling my jeans down and leaving them around my ankles they had to actually come all the way off so that they was not even touching me. I would also have to go several days without touching a specific object in my house. After flicking lights on and off an even amount of time I then had to tap my nose on the switch. My screenshotting on my phone became far worse I would screenshot the time up to about 20 times and if I didn’t do it quick enough and the time switched to an odd number I then had to wait til it turned back even and then do a further 20 screenshots.
So to be completely honest the interview that was looming seemed a doddle in comparison to the journey ahead.
If ever I go on a long car journey (which isn’t very often) it is incredibly hard to say to the driver “Excuse me, can we be careful?” like duh. What a way to make someone feel like you don’t trust them to drive you. If only you could explain that it is nothing to do with trust but instead a case of if I don’t say it then I believe that I will cause a crash.
Thankfully I had the most understanding friend who drove great and made me feel at ease and I couldn’t be more grateful for that and for the fact that he did me such an incredible favour and gave me 100% support throughout. There isn’t enough “thanks” in the world to give him, but thank you Paddy! You’ve no idea how much I value your friendship!
I’m pretty damn proud of myself for getting through that entire experience not just The Apprentice part but for challenging my OCD and being able to do what I did. It was such an incredible experience for me to say I have actually done that and I got myself through several stages of the process. I learnt a hell of a lot and I doubt I will ever face an interview as hard as that was, if anything that has helped for future interviews!
Although I am proud of doing the process I do feel I can give myself a much bigger round of applause for getting through the car journey and I also said a big fat NO to the thoughts and challenged myself in London. I went on the tube which I have always avoided and I actually did a 15/20 minute walk on my own to meet my friends.
It is possible to challenge your thoughts, it is possible to challenge your OCD and it IS possible to beat it.
Slowly I am getting there and each step I take is hard but I can do it. I just need to remind myself of this exact time and how hard it was and just say to myself…. Hey girl, you did it!