For many people today is Valentines Day, to me this was the day I last wrote a blog post anonymously about my OCD and then something terribly awful happened the very next day.
Surprisingly it has been five whole years since that date but weirdly it feels like a lifetime ago but also just yesterday. It is hard to explain and you probably wouldn’t really understand even if I told you.
I write my thoughts and feelings in these posts because to me I class my OCD as a nasty bully on my right shoulder (he’s never on the left for some reason and I have no idea why I label it as a male, I can just view him as a little gremlin type creature…) but I feel that when I write a post about my OCD I feel I am publicly shaming this bully. Like I’m outing him to the world, telling people how nasty he is and how he makes me feel hoping he feels some sort of guilt and shame. Logically I know to many people that sounds extremely daft, but if it helps me then I am fine with that.
From this very date 5 years ago my OCD probably became the worst it has ever been. I was only 18 and I was crippled with extreme horrible thoughts, my rituals exhausted me more than ever and looking back now I honestly do not know how I coped so quietly.
I won’t ever go into the horrible event that happened, because I just don’t want to. That’s my choice. Though throughout that time my thoughts would be so extreme I refused to go to bed, terrified of someone turning up at the house and I needed an escape route so downstairs on the sofa was my only option. Not only was this hard for me but I made my mum sleep downstairs too because I needed her to have that escape route also. 8 months we slept downstairs. Most nights I hardly slept because this little bully would tell me that it was pointless sleeping because I’d be woken up to scary noises and that was a sign to tell me that I needed to escape fast. So I’d lay awake. Tired because nothing would actually happen, but I couldn’t take that risk could I?!
I remember this time so clearly. One night there was a huge bang outside I didn’t have the time to go through my brain of what I might have done so wrong in my rituals for something bad to happen now. My thoughts convinced me there was someone outside waiting to kill us. I was so terrified I made my mum ring the police who kindly came out and checked all around to reassure us.
I didn’t stay at home alone, I didn’t let my mum stay at home alone. I didn’t want to leave the house but I also didn’t want to stay there. If we were to go out we had to be back before dark. Even to this date I have always made sure that me and mum have been together on the date of the event (15th) because it still scares me. This year I unfortunately have to work on this date and that is going to be hard and worrying for me.
From deep within my heart I am so sorry mum for making a terribly hard situation for us even worse because of how I responded to it, and I guess how I still respond to it now. My OCD didn’t just affect me but you too and I can’t imagine how hard that must be as you had enough on your plate.
This post isn’t really about anything, yes I can write a short piece of information on how OCD has affected me through a certain point in my life but really I have just wrote this on this date in particular to stick a big two fingers up to the last time I wrote on this date.
The last time I wrote on this date my world turned upside down the next day because I thought I caused a bad event based on going to sleep with my phone on an odd number.
This time I am writing on this date to say to you Mr OCD you haven’t silenced me. In fact you’ve done the complete opposite. I suffered in quiet for several years longer than before because of you but I have come back and the best part is…. I am ready to fight you.