Who is K you may ask? She’s a mental health worker and currently supporting me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I first wrote about her on my previous blog post which you can read here.
K rang me up on Thursday, the day before she was due to come round to ask how I was as she had been notified of something that had sent me into a flap. She also mentioned about the previous meeting and how she took the cup and how well I had done which was nice to hear again.
“In the meantime before I come round try again with not tapping the spoon on the cup and only stir it the once. Get your mum to help and get her to do what I did.” she said before ending the call.
My entire body filled with dread. All those anxious feelings and worries came flooding back. Oh gosh she’s going to do it again to me. Panic mode instantly hits before the logical thinking.
So I stupidly (but at the time thought I was being clever) didn’t tell my mum. If I don’t tell her, I won’t have to face it.
K came round the next day and my nerves made me joke that I had hidden all the cups in the house. (Why would I say such a thing?!) The first thing she said when she sat down was “How did you get on with the cup?”. Mum sat next to me, puzzled at what K was on about because I hadn’t said. So I admitted it. Shamefully. It is like I have good on one shoulder and bad on the other and they constantly fight but the bad always wins. The good wants me to try it, push myself to do it because as hard as it was before, I tried! Then the bad pipes up and tells the good to sit back down and shut up.
The good then tries to reason with the bad but every single time the bad shuts it down with “what ifs” and threats. It overpowers the good so much that my mind is then manipulated into following the bad and carrying out the ritual. Which in the end leaves me feeling defeated. Once again. Until they both return on my shoulders for the next event….
We focussed on something else that day with K reminding me that it was okay to have days when I feel defeated. She reminded me that I am doing well, it’s baby steps and I will get there soon.
As the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day.