Who am I?

When you have a mental health problem a question that you seem to ask yourself several times would be “who am I?” because sadly with all the stigma sometimes people cannot see past your illness/disorder.

How can I expect people to see the real me when I don’t even know who the real me is? I barely remember a time without OCD therefore how can I expect others to know me as “just Nikita”. Judgement. So much judgement. Not only from others but from myself. Sometimes my mind will torment me with things like this, I try shake it off but that just makes it worse. The constant words strangles me and after so long I have several days in which I feel lost, upset and confused. It hasn’t always been like this – before I could quite easily shove things aside and be all jolly and giddy. Guess that is where I went wrong because I took all my emotions and feelings and locked them away in a tiny little box in my mind.

People say it’s okay to talk, it’s good to talk. I have even said myself that if anyone feels like they need to talk then my inbox is always open, but I think sometimes people forget that you too need some time for you. I will be the first one to open my arms wide and say “let me help!” but sometimes even my life gets too much and I need some time out so I leave most messages on ‘unread’ to get my head together. This doesn’t mean I don’t care it just means I need some time and I will get back to you.

Then there’s people who you open up to and like I mentioned before, it is as though they’ve taken one look and thought “this isn’t the same Nikita” back away, back away. This is Nikita with a mental health illness. Is it because their whole perspective changes of you because they know? Do they see your whole image, body and personality change in a split second after they know? I don’t for a second expect anyone to turn around and say that this isn’t true and they don’t think that about me because at times even I think that about me. In fact currently at this moment in time I can’t even see past the OCD. I’m not Nikita. If others can’t see past it how can I myself?

I will give you two scenarios in how I imagine people will think;
* I am Nikita who today has spent time laughing at my own jokes (cos i’m obviously hilarious), cuddling my dogs, being creative.
* I am Nikita who out of 24 hours in a day has spent 80% of that time doing rituals. 10% of that is sleeping and the other 10% is avoiding rituals.

Most people would choose to just see the bottom one. That’s how I truly feel. When in actual fact that both those scenarios are in the same day. People choose to see the negative. It’s like customers who’d rather complete a survey to complain rather than to praise the company. Complaining is easier to choose. The negative perspective of me is easier to choose.

On my final note a little something I have noticed recently that does not apply to everyone but I have seen it happen to others more frequently than not. It is so easy for people to care as your friends but the moment things become difficult they don’t really want to know. Yet when things get tough for them and others react the same they’re quick to do a post to shame people for not caring. The irony eh?

Not the happiest of posts but it’s reality.

2 responses to “Who am I?”

  1. Hi Nikita… I love reading your Blog… I’m always here for you and your Mum.. If you need to rant I’m a phone call away… Always remember that.. Love you and your Mum.. Xxx

    1. Thank you Tina you kind soul!! Love you lots, mum and me always say you are a true friend for life xxx

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