365 days

Trigger Warning: This post may contain potentially distressing and upsetting content. Not advised to be read by those who may be struggling very deeply or those who have experienced similar. This post is designed for those to understand Bee’s story of intrusive and suicidal thoughts. How someone’s mind can torment them but on the outside they are “fine”.Please contact Samaritans if you need to talk and are struggling;
CALL 116 623
EMAIL jo@samaritans.org
TEXT 07725909090 or on 0872609090 from the Republic of Ireland; text messages will be charged at your normal text rate.
Click here for the Samaritans website

How are you? – good.
How are you? – fine thanks.
How are you? – not bad.
How are you? – yeah well thanks.

Bee always replied she was fine, she was the life and soul.
Her laughter filled a room.
Her smile was infectious.

Once her day was done she flopped.
So tired. Eyes full of tears. No motivation. No need to pretend.
Relentless thoughts flew around her mind.
Wouldn’t it be great ‘if’ ? Wouldn’t life be easier ‘if’?

If what Bee?

If her head wasn’t constantly talking like this

I’ll call the Grim Reaper for you shall I? You’ve already died when your car dropped in a river and froze over. You can’t swim, trapped underneath the freezing ice. Didn’t you die that time before as well? You know when an armed, masked person entered your place of work and held you at gun point. You planned your escape routes but was that enough?

Let’s not forget having to have your letterbox blocked in because of the fireworks and petrol cans posted through. For goodness sake Bee you locked your door several times but that robber still got in and burned you with an iron.

You have met with death so many times Bee. So descriptive and torturous. You have death on speed dial. Get over yourself Bee. Pull yourself together. Smile Bee. What have you got to be miserable about? You think you’re a problem Bee, that all your many deaths are a nuisance. So much so that you think of ways that you haven’t already died. You haven’t died on a train track have you? Not yet anyway. Stop your car on the tracks. Wait for the lights.

Is that satisfying for you Bee? You can stop yourself from dying with…. death. Ironic. Bee you’re a clever one.
Bee drive yourself home.
You’re being followed. Not by death but by love and care.
You’re home Bee!! YOU ARE HOME.
Safe Bee. Seclude yourself. Cry. Be quiet. Shout. Scream. Do jigsaws. Sleep. Don’t Sleep. Wear the same clothes for days on end. Don’t wash your hair. In fact just don’t wash. Don’t eat. Bee you have stopped living. What’s going on Bee? Where has death gone?

Take care of yourself Bee, you’re alive.

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