I don’t sleep great at the best of times – I know there’s a reason for that but still. So imagine being absolutely tired and just wanting to sleep but your mind is telling you horrific things.
I’ve tried relaxing, I’ve tried playing games, I’ve tried reading, just anything to shut it up but it won’t be quiet tonight.
Wednesday K (MH worker) had an appointment with me to do some exposure therapy. I know I shouldn’t have but I tried my best to get out of it. It didn’t work. To cut a long story short I risked several minutes in not listening to my OCD haddled brain. Now whilst you might think that’s fab, well done me blah blah I’m now facing the consequences and that’s the part you don’t see.
My intrusive thoughts are never nice, at all. But tonight they are horrific. It’s telling me that it knows I risked several minutes of my life saying no to it and by heck is it letting me know that.
I can’t settle or sleep because it is telling me there’s someone in the loft waiting to murder me when I sleep. It’s telling me a family member is gonna get really sick. It’s telling me my dogs will escape and get hit by a car. It’s telling me that I’ll fall unconscious in the bath and drown. I’ll get stabbed at the shop. I’ll watch someone be beheaded. All because I came down the first three steps of my staircase without going back up.
See every time I’m suckered in where I believe it hasn’t noticed and it’s let this one slide. How stupid of me. It does notice, it just bides its time…. waiting for me to relax and not think of it and then BAM. There it is. Harassing me again, torturing me with horrible thoughts and then when I try not listen it shows me some of them.
Sounds kinda brutal doesn’t it? But I don’t know no different. Me and OCD we have a toxic relationship. I’m under it’s control. And when I dare try fight back this is how I end up.
I know this has to happen and I’m told to “let the anxieties ride out” which believe you me THAT is a lot easier said that done.
Y’know what’s the most upsetting part of it all? It’s all me. My mind hates it, yet my mind creates it.
How do bloody you work that out?!