I’m fully aware that my mind is slightly screwed. I know that by having a mind that is screwed changes how people react towards you. They either take advantage, don’t want to know, dismiss it or think you’re not really worthy of them because ‘you’re not right’.
Just to clarify, I’m okay. I think at least anyway. I just need to get some bits off my chest and then I can shut the door and it’s done with. That always makes me feel better.
During this pandemic I’ve found those I know the least to have been the most supportive. The ones who’ve checked in, shared stories and been there. I’m not saying those close to me haven’t been there because some of them have, but it’s always the people you least expect who are there for you.
Anyone who knows me both online and offline know that I would bend over backwards to help anyone. I exhaust myself to make others happy, I like to make sure people are okay and their well-being is tiptop. Even people I don’t really know. But sometimes I can go too far and forget about myself and that I too, need some self care and love. I forget to do that. I forget to do things for me and even if I do I feel guilty for it, like I shouldn’t be having fun/treating myself. I don’t know why so I can’t tell you that but I just do.
A friend messaged me today with a lovely quote and they basically told me that I am my own worst enemy and to be totally honest they are right. I am. I will always find the positives for anyone but when it comes to me I seek out the negatives and it’s like I bully myself with those negatives and beat myself up over ridiculous things. It’s awful. It’s bad enough that OCD can physically do that let alone have your mind do it too. I was ironing the other day and I accidentally went too near my hand and slightly burnt my finger. So I did it again, purposely this time so that it was even. Because OCD made me. I haven’t done that in such a long time but how can I be proud of that when I’ve just broken the chain and done it? I can’t.
I won’t lie, I’m sick of hearing that my slip ups don’t matter cos “I’ve been doing so well in what I have achieved”. It does matter to me, it matters moreso when you feel as though you’re slipping backwards. I never ever want to be in the place I was in at the end of 2018 and although that may seem like a while ago in reality it isn’t – not when you’re living it. I’m sick of people asking how I am when they don’t mean it, or asking because they want to follow it up with needing something from me, wanting something. It’s always obvious because when you do reply with how you are they ignore it. It’s quite laughable really. I think next time I am asked I will reply with something along the lines of “well not too good actually, I turned into a pink hamster last night and I can’t stop eating raw beans.” Just to see if they notice. Ha, I’ve made myself chuckle now.
I don’t ask for much in life. It’d just be nice to be able to give myself some of the attention I give out to everyone else and not feel like I have to justify it or feel guilty for it. I too, am a human who has emotions, needs and wants just like others and so it would be nice not to have to explain myself for doing something for me.