Here I am in the early hours, awake with mind on overdrive. The day had been a tearful one. Stressful. Lonely.

I’m not lonely though, far from it. I have good people around me, close people. Though today during my tearful episode I said the words to my mum “I feel so alone” and that hurts.

November is a tricky month for me, never used to be but here we are for many reasons. So I know that certain emotions will be high for me anyways, but I do not need more reason to feel ‘alone’.

Never did I expect in my adult life I would experience ‘mobbing’. Personally, I could not cope with myself for ever making anyone feel like the way I have been made to feel. You have to be some evil minded, cold hearted person to do that to another human-being.

I can guarantee that those involved are reading this too. Probably even screenshotting it or sending the link to show the others. “Friends” they once were known as. So hello, yeah… this is about you. You don’t need me to tell you that though, because you already know it based on the fact you’re reading this post.

I laid out a boundary. People do not like when you set boundaries. Especially when their idea of control does not involve you setting boundaries…… and so it started, the bullying.

As a kid I was fortunate and never experienced bullying. I’m unsure if it would be just as bad as it is as an adult or if it would be worse cos kids can be cruel. Either way, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I think it shocks me because how can grown adults behave in such a brutal way? Shouldn’t adults know better? Not to mention they are older than me and I am in my thirties.

They have the kinda public persona of “good samaritans” too. Ironic really.

So let me explain a little of how their behaviour has affected me;
* My eczema has gotten so bad with the stress I have scratched my legs so much they’ve bled.
* We won’t even talk about my OCD because living with that is like hell anyway, but just for the record my OCD has been much more worse to the point where I do not even wish to move from the sofa because if I move around I am more likely to do compulsions. This has been, as you can imagine, so much fun when having to go to work. Physically forcing myself to do things has meant the intrusive thoughts LOVE to ramp up and show me the most graphic and disturbing things that will happen if I don’t comply.
* I’ve picked at my nails so much they have become so sore and if I have to grab something or I’m doing something fiddly (like making jewellery) it is painful.
* My eating habits have taken a ride on a rollercoaster.
* I’m so tired because I’m not sleeping properly.
* I am having some really disturbing dreams which also means I wake up and can’t get back to sleep.
* I’ve been told by an independent professional to document things, which I have been doing but doing so whilst having OCD is a nightmare because I will document EVERYTHING, re-reading things an even amount of times and not to mention it is also quite mentally draining. You could say that OCD making me document things in such a careful way would be good, but it means having to experience things again and again.
* I’ve been questioning myself lots, as though I’ve felt like I am going mad.
* I’ve been obsessing over things.
* I’ve cried and felt like I have been beaten down to being non existent.
* Headaches.
* Anxiety.
* Their actions have also made me be so paranoid about the littlest of things because despite the fact I’m ignored the majority of the time, they are still looking at what I’m doing.

That is just a few examples of how they’ve made me feel and the affect it has had.

I do, however, refuse to let them break me and make me hit rock bottom but I can’t deny the thought scares me. I’ve got a good strong power-pack of people behind me though, holding me up when I need it the most. So they won’t break me.

To those of you who have contributed to this, and you know who you are, I hope you can be happy with knowing how you have affected my mental well-being, my life and myself as a person. Thankfully, I am a lot stronger than I once was. Imagine if I wasn’t though.

You have to live with yourselves knowing you can do this to another person. You can make them feel this way. You have affected them so badly. You could make someone hit their breaking point.

Absolutely NOTHING in the world would make me want to be a person like you.