An honest thought….

I like to use this space to express my thoughts and feelings although a lot of the time I still struggle to do that. I end up writing nonsense in paragraphs explaining how I feel and end up just keeping it as a draft never to be returned to again.

I am a sensitive soul, I overthink things often and I battle with my mind on a daily basis.

I took part in the Channel 5 documentary about OCD to help raise awareness and try any attempt big or small to reduce the stigma surrounding OCD. This was a HUGE deal for me and the two main reasons I did this was to raise awareness in how OCD is a very wide aspect and the problems we face with OCD and to also congratulate myself in accepting that I do suffer with such a nasty mental illness.

Note that it has taken me over 12 years to actually accept that I have OCD.

I told my mum recently that even to this day I struggle to say those three letters out loud.

But it doesn’t help when you stumble across people who literally have no idea and are ignorant to the subject.

Now I fully accept that not everybody is going to understand or even ‘get’ what OCD sufferers have to deal with on a daily basis. I know this and unfortunately that is just how some people work. However it does not stop the fact that this hurts and upsets me quite a bit when someone can be so nasty to single out someone who suffers with OCD.

It has been a scary time having to tell those that need to know, that I suffer with OCD and I can tell you that the reactions I have witnessed from this have each been completely different but thankfully mostly have been good responses, kind and caring.

You’d have thought that in this day and age with mental health being more and more talked about that you might be lucky enough to not come across someone who could single you out and make you feel dirty for having such a horrible mental illness.

This has recently happened to me.

At first I was annoyed about it but ever since I cannot seem to get their words and actions out of my mind. Questioning myself daily on my rituals and thoughts. Not only has my OCD bully continued to torment me. But this actual human’s words have too. For me to have taken so many years to accept I have OCD to suddenly be thrown back feeling like I should be ashamed of myself is not nice at all.

Logic Nikita knows that the words and actions from this person is ridiculous and it should be them who is ashamed of how they have treat me. Try telling that to OCD Nikita. She won’t believe that cos it gets thrown at her when she’s feeling happy, or minding her own business. OCD Nikita has been winning at life for many years and when Logic Nikita tries to step in and challenge OCD Nikita sometimes she can be successful but times like this she gets knocked back down. How is that fair?

How can ONE person shame and single out someone? It truly baffles me.

I did not choose to have OCD. I don’t have a single day when my mind gives me a break. I have nasty thoughts daily.

One thing that has always upset me is when I think to myself that I will have spent many hours of my life wasted just doing pointless rituals. I’m wasting my life away on nothing. That’s heartbreaking. Even just typing that has made a lump appear in my throat and my eyes teary.

So spare a thought next time you meet someone who might think differently to you. You don’t always necessarily know what is going on with someone. Sadly I had the courage to explain to this person and that had a negative effect. I know there is kind people out there, just not everybody.

This is why OCD needs more and more awareness. Too many people joke. I’m going to keep trying to reduce the stigma, and I’d be made up if you could too.

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