Nothing Makes Sense

Many people who suffer with OCD will know that certain rituals are “performed” to prevent bad things from happening. These bad things don’t always have to be a specific thing it can literally just be “bad things”. I go through mixtures of just “bad things” and actual visual bad scenarios depending on my rituals. It’s very weird to explain how this process can work but it is what it is.

So to start with let me tell you that journeys for me are THE WORST. No matter where I am travelling to I have to do certain things before I leave the house because if I don’t I will have a crash on the way. So literally every morning before I leave for work if I use the stairs I will have to touch both my feet on the top step twice and touch the ceiling four times on each part as I come down. I can’t just come down the stairs “normally”. Sometimes I will be halfway down the stairs completing this ritual and a thought will pop into my mind telling me I have to finish what i’m doing and go back up the stairs and re-do it all because if not it’ll be a bad crash.

So yesterday morning I did all of my rituals as always before leaving the house for work. SO THAT I WILL NOT HAVE A CRASH. 

What is probably the most ironic thing is I didn’t make it to work that morning. Why? Because I had a crash.

Now I have spent the weekend upset, shaken up and mind baffled by everything. I’m okay i’m not injured. I’m not hurt physically but I’d say I was mentally.

I cannot understand how ALL THE GOD DAMN RITUALS I DO TO PREVENT ME CRASHING DID NAFF ALL. They didn’t prevent a crash. They didn’t cause one, but they certainly didn’t prevent one. I told myself that this could be a good thing, this could make me realise that OCD is stupid. Fancy doing all that and for what?! Bad stuff to happen anyway.

I know that will be the first thing people would say to me “Oh, you did all that and it still happened, guess you won’t need to do rituals anymore”. “OH you probably won’t have OCD anymore then.” because i’ve had it before. If you’ve read this then please don’t say that to me. That is super insensitive if you do and it doesn’t work like that.

Despite me knowing that it literally does not make any sense whatsoever I am probably more scared now because this “bully” on my shoulder has made me doubt myself. Maybe I didn’t do my ritual correctly? Maybe it’s because I ignored when he was trying to get me to tap that switch an extra time? Maybe this is letting me know that next time “it could be worse”.

My mind is a riot right now, and I don’t expect anyone to understand that. I’m punishing myself for just not getting it and I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. I have never had a crash before, this is my first time in the entire 6 years I have been driving. Like I said before i’m incredibly thankful I wasn’t damaged physically, but it’ll take a while to get over this mentally, in many ways. By posting this I am somewhat releasing some of the thoughts from my mind and hoping that they will stay here on this page.

My mind needs some time to declutter itself.

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